“Couples therapy continued while my wife was sexually assaulting me.”

I had a very complicated experience with therapy throughout my 20s. There were a few ways in which it was unusual:

1. Initial meeting— I initially met my previous therapist through my wife (she was my wife’s therapist first, and at the time my wife had a pattern of abusive behavior towards me.) She then agreed to see us together for couple’s counselling as well as individually. In some ways, she did help set my wife on a much healthier trajectory and I think the experience was overall a positive for my wife. On the other hand, it was deeply confusing for me. My wife was sexually assaulting me essentially every evening at the time, and having our therapist proceed with couple’s counseling despite this led me to think the situation was salvageable or normal in a way that (in hindsight) I regret. Eventually, she did discontinue therapy with my wife and only saw me.

2. Some professional overlap— I think this genuinely started with good intentions (she was likely trying to support my advocacy interests), but ended up with me semi-volunteering for her practice in a way that was very confusing. If anything, I view my tale as a cautionary story that even kind therapists still risk causing harm if their flexibility ends up snowballing.

3. Vicarious anxiety— My previous therapist ended up with immense stressors/trauma in her own life, and I ended up struggling quite a bit with vicarious anxiety from worrying intensely about her.

-Sam