“My therapist told me that looking her up on social media was like touching her underwear.”

I saw my therapist’s Facebook profile and looked it. Her name is Viliyana Maleva. I saw her family and Googled them. When I went to my therapist I told her, because in our contract it’s written that if I saw her Facebook profile I must tell her.

She told me that, what I did is like being in her bedroom, touching her underwear or digging in her purse. I felt disgusted from myself, have high SI (suicidal ideation). I was thinking that I am such a horrible person, so I don’t deserve to live.

I have multiple disorders – BPD, ADHD, GAD. BPD and ADHD double my impulsivity and they are the reason I look at her Facebook profile. So misunderstanding my disorders was the reason I was left without therapy and chance for change and better life.

Since my DBT therapist left me I had very strong urge to jump from the 6th floor when I was cleaning the window, barely stopped myself somehow. A few days later I made a car crash on purpose.
She told me I am good enough to stop therapy, even I am self-harming after our last session until now. She told me she thought to let me stay in the group, but decide not to, because is afraid that I can make a suicide and she will be responsible. The problem is not one dead patient, but her responsibility.

– Diana