CW: Sexual assault, suicidal ideation, emotional and therapeutic abuse
Christine Barillon is a die-hard believer in the Imago therapy technique. In a nutshell, a person makes a statement and their partner has to repeat what they heard. So, if Nate said “I feel like you don’t want to sleep with me because you are not attracted to me anymore,” I had to repeat it: “I’m hearing that you’re saying that I don’t want…” The problem with this exercise is that it assumes symmetry and validation of two points of view while failing to recognize the power imbalance that exists in most heteronormative relationships. Back home Nate is forcing sexual acts on me; to go anal (painful as hell, let’s just get it over with), and to give him blow jobs and hand jobs, to compensate for my condition. So now I have to repeat to this man, completely out of context, that he feels like I’m not attracted to him.
Nate (that’s not his real name) and I started seeing Christine in July 2017 at what used to be the Bushwick location of City Therapy. This was my first experience with therapy and I had no idea what clinics were or what all these letters meant – LMSW/LCSW? All I knew was that this would be covered by Medicaid. Hooray! A woman named Cassandra Reid replied to our initial inquiry and introduced us to a person she referred to as her colleague, Christine.
We wanted to try counseling because I couldn’t have intercourse and it badly affected our relationship. At this point, we’ve been together for two years and lived together for one. After many months and endless doctor appointments, I finally stumbled upon the term Vaginismus, with the help of Dr. Google, of course. Christine didn’t know what it was and never bothered to do any research. A few months into seeing us she still couldn’t pronounce it. “Remind me what it is that you have…? Vag..? Vagi..?” It was through my independent readings that I finally linked my strict Orthodox upbringing to this condition. My parents never truly saw Nate as part of the family due to us not being married under Jewish law.
Nate became more and more angry and I became more and more quiet. During our sessions, he did most of the talking and I did most of the sobbing. Almost every question directed at me was met with “I don’t know,” and Christine gradually grew frustrated. I was depressed and lonely. I moved to Brooklyn to live with him, far from my synagogue community in upper Manhattan. Nate subjected my old friends to ridicule and didn’t understand why I couldn’t make new ones. He habitually mocked my desire to return to a more observant religious lifestyle, which was part of why my relationship with my friends cooled. I couldn’t travel to join their Friday night dinners, which was when we usually got together. We had these conversations in Christine’s presence.
I started to retire to bed as early as 7 or 8 pm, and frequently attended theater shows on my own whenever it was financially feasible (and I was savvy enough to get comps). Anything to avoid being in bed with him. He complained about it to Christine but forgot to mention that once, during one of his tantrums, he entered our bedroom while I was already in bed, turned on all the lights, took the blanket off of me, and demanded I stopped pretending to be so tired. He also complained that I started wearing long pajamas and wouldn’t let him touch my breasts. I was so humiliated. We agreed to not talk in such detail. I tried to defend myself by saying that I was cold, and Christine simply replied, “Yeah, I’m also cold all the time.” Not a word about how he was treating me right in front of her eyes. It also didn’t cross her mind to have an individual session with me, to see what was wrong.
Christine wanted me to list things that we can do together. And when I suggested “we can make music together,” she got upset. I misunderstood the assignment. She wanted to hear about physical stuff. Massage? Sexual acts that didn’t include PIV? It didn’t concern her that I was not interested in physical touch whatsoever, no red flags here.
Through various online communities, I started reading about rape culture and the patriarchy. This was the height of the Me-Too movement. Slowly I was making some connections between the personal and the political. I saw patterns. I realized it was not a coincidence that I was the one who moved into his neighborhood and not the other way around. That he was older and usually earned more than me. None of it was by chance. At some point I even began contributing to an online feminist magazine. Nate was infuriated by it and came up with a derogatory nickname for the publication, which he used whenever he saw it pop on my screen. This was years ago, and to this day, the most difficult part is to forgive myself. Me, the progressive, the intelligent, the troublemaker. The one who could see through some of the lies taught to her by rabbis from a very young age. How did I let this happen to me?
Nate blamed me for not doing enough to solve my problem. I wasn’t seeing enough doctors and not trying enough methods. Christine also pushed me to keep seeing doctors. It never occurred to her what it feels like to open my legs to a different person each week. She didn’t consider the massive anxiety I had and how painful all this was. One of the “experts” I saw was Dr. Frederick Clare at Mount Sinai hospital. As soon as he touched me, my usual reflex acted and I closed my legs off. He violently opened them again to examine me. The pain. The horror. The humiliation. At the time I told Nate about the incident but not Christine.
They not only pushed me to get more physical exams but also insisted that I go to individual therapy. Christine referred me to someone at Brooklyn Psychotherapy and I saw her for three sessions. I didn’t feel like I was connecting with her, so I texted to thank her and say that I will not be continuing. She never replied. Then Christine suggested Alexis and said that if I didn’t like her there wasn’t anyone else she could refer me to. Thus pressuring me to keep seeing her and making me feel like a spoiled brat in case I didn’t like her either. Only now do I understand that it was mostly due to cultural and language barriers that I didn’t feel like I could truly connect with those therapists. But unlike Christine, at least they were not abusive.
I suffered terrible travel anxiety. I couldn’t take trains that were getting on bridges, I was terrified of planes and cars, and hoped that Alexis could help me with that. When I shared it with Nate he got angry that I spent precious therapy time talking about these issues rather than the problems that I was supposed to discuss. I remember sharing this with Alexis, and she did try to push me to see other sides of Nate, but I was so broken and couldn’t act upon it. Unfortunately, my travel anxiety only worsened. I kept seeing her even though our sessions were awkward and I couldn’t open up to her. She was constantly yawning during our time together. I felt like I was doing the therapy wrong, but kept going because I was pressured to do so by Nate and Christine.
Nate’s best friend was getting married. The bachelor’s party lasted a whole weekend but Nate could only join the boys on Sunday. Apparently, on the day before, the groom’s brother ordered a stripper. This resulted in a huge family fight, and the bride almost called the wedding off. Mind you, the groom had a sweet picture of himself on Facebook from the women’s march holding a sign that read “Feminist AF.” Now, the groom’s brother lived a few blocks from us and Nate was friends with him as well. I was unhappy about it and wanted him to stop hanging out with him. Nate was more concerned about me not interacting with the bride and giving her ideas. At the time, I read an interview with a stripper saying that in all the years she’s been in the profession, not once did a married man “leave the room.” It was a myth, she shared, a lie men told their spouses. Nate tried to tell me that it was more of a joke, that the stripper was their friend’s friend. I wasn’t buying it. Men who pay for sex services are subhuman to me. It is paid rape.
We brought the argument into the clinic. Christine didn’t see how it’s any of my business who his friends are and said that his friends are not him. I wondered if she’d say the same if they were burglars or serial killers, but hadn’t had too much time to meditate on this because then she made a remark that changed everything for me. “Some men do atrocious things to women, but Nate is not one of them.” Boom. From that point on I knew I could never share with her what it is that I was experiencing back home. In hindsight, it is obvious that I was testing her by bringing up different feminist topics. She failed miserably. And to be fair, I am not sure that a feminist can be a marriage counselor while staying true to her values.
There was a week when Nate was not forcing me to sleep with him. I thanked him for that. He responded with “Yeah, I wanted to spare you for a little bit, but don’t get used to it.” Now, given her blatant manipulation, how could I ever bring this up to Christine?
Nate started to suffer from ringing in his ears. Tinnitus. He had hellish symptoms and I was the target of his rage. Nowadays feminists would call it “weaponized moodiness,” but at the time I did not know what that was. He became very unpredictable and demanded sex to relieve his pain. Every time his ringings flared up he would blame it on me and my argumentative nature. Well, physical symptoms do get worse when a person is in a bad mood, that is true. I had to tiptoe around him, and if I said one word he didn’t like that would send him into a rage session.
One day he got home and started screaming because I didn’t ask him how he was feeling right as he walked in. Another day he demanded I make dinner even though I had many other things to do and I wasn’t that hungry. He shouted while guiding me to the kitchen, saying he was sick and I must take care of him. The phrase I repeated the most in all of our time together was, “Please keep it down, I do not want the neighbors to hear.” I couldn’t share any of it with Christine. After all, Nate wasn’t one of those guys.
In one of our last meetings, Nate complained about me telling him that I felt unsafe with him. “Yeah, but it’s not like you feel unsafe with him, do you?” Christine said, turning to me. I hesitated a bit too long with my response. Nate and Christine were livid. How could I have insinuated such a thing? I do not remember their exact words. All I remember is that I never repeated that sentiment, and Christine never asked Nate to repeat “I am hearing that Martha is saying that she feels intimidated…”
One Thursday morning we arrived at the clinic as usual, not knowing this was going to be our last session. Nate has been feeling for some time that Christine wasn’t taking his physical symptoms seriously enough. She mentioned a different client that had Tinnitus and got over it, and described Nate’s condition as “functioning.” He had to lie down most of the time but kept working his web design gigs horizontally. Nate took out his phone and played a shrieking sound mimicking what the Tinnitus sounded like. He raised his voice at Christine, said he was not functioning at all, and how dare she dismiss his troubles. I begged him to stop. This was so embarrassing. It reminded me of the time he yelled at a pizza place’s staff because the food wasn’t good enough. “You don’t talk to me like that,” Christine responded, “let’s take a six-week break.” And that was the end of it. She never followed up. Nate was a good riddance for her, and she couldn’t care less about me, who had to live with his aggressions day in and day out.
Years went by, and we eventually broke up. I was seeing a therapist who was treating trauma through EMDR. Things started to come up for me and I educated myself about the therapeutic industry and the licensing process. I went back to City Therapy and asked for my records. Apparently, at the time we saw her, Christine was LMSW, which means that she had graduated from a master’s program in social work, but still needed supervision and the completion of a certain amount of clinical hours before she could take the licensing test. The supervisor turned out to be Cassandra.
In addition, I have found out that Christine’s depiction of our sessions was odd and inaccurate. She labeled my Vaginismus as an “inconclusive medical issue,” and claimed that I have delusions of guilt – a complete misunderstanding of what it means to grow up in a fundamentalist religion. She mentioned over and over again that I suffered from “relationship issues,” and “poor self-image,” as if those were a force of nature and not caused by human actions. She always left “safety issues” blank.
Within 3-4 weeks of seeing her, Christine notified me that she has diagnosed me with depression: “I have diagnosed you with depression.” Those were her exact words. I was devastated by these news. This was not at all helpful. I later found out that there were some issues with this incident: As a general rule of thumb, a therapist isn’t supposed to disclose a diagnosis unless asked to do so by the patient, or if it appears to be contributing to the therapeutic process. In my case, neither was true. This was also a potential HIPAA violation as my partner was in the room.
In her discharge note, she wrote: “Reason for Termination: client’s partner’s aggressive behavior in therapy toward the therapist.” As for me: “Client improved and was receptive to the couple’s therapy.” I guess she was referring to me getting on antidepressants. Nothing like drugs to make a woman seem improved. She chose to leave “risk assessment” blank.
***
Cassandra agreed to speak over the phone. I presented her with the questions that were on my mind for quite some time. She was very careful not to validate my narrative, and not to offer consolation for what I’ve been through. She completely ignored the fact that I needed to recover not only from Nate but also from Christine. That I sought healing but received more trauma. She never mentioned whether she thinks a supervisor should instruct a mentee to follow up with a client under certain circumstances. Her main line of defense was the importance of finding “the right fit,” overlooking the fact that for a client to see that an abusive therapist is not a “right fit,” one needs to be abused by her. Cassandra’s literal job is to be the gatekeeper to prevent such incidents, but she doesn’t seem to be taking it very seriously. Is she not aware that for some people this is a matter of life and death? So many times, after yet another horrific session, I contemplated jumping off of our fourth-floor apartment. Moreover, the therapist’s obligation to step away from a case when it’s not a good fit was not addressed. It falls solely on the client to decide, while the therapist never seems to admit when their values don’t align with the client’s. Christine is still practicing, but that does not bother Cassandra at all. She is far from seeing herself responsible for what is happening in her clinic.
There was a sense of relief after this conversation. The heavy “what if” feeling, that I have been carrying with me for years, has been lifted. Had I reported Christine in real-time (which City Therapy makes sure won’t happen, as patients are not given a point of contact in case of physical or emotional abuse), Cassandra would have probably reacted the same. If it’s not a good fit – just leave. No accountability whatsoever.
There is a great deal of victim blaming in this line of thought. If a seasoned mental health professional, such as Cassandra, couldn’t identify Christine’s abusive traits, how was I expected to notice them? This is a huge responsibility to put on a vulnerable patient’s shoulders. I also wonder if Cassandra considers herself a “healed” person since she used the word a few times during our conversation. Is being “healed” a requirement for becoming a therapist at City Therapy?
Three times I had to ask her a version of “How do you know that the person you are appointing as a therapist is doing a good job?” She wasn’t understanding the question, and I had to repeat it. Finally, she responded. “Well, we talk a lot, go over cases, do consultations. It’s a beautiful profession, you watch the client grow and you grow with them. The minute you know everything, this is when you should retire, they say. If you think you know everything about the patient that means you let your agenda be in the way.”
Do you encourage therapists to research different patients’ backgrounds?
New York is such a beautifully diverse place, so of course we can only do our best. Your patient is your best teacher, what you don’t know, you should ask.
Do people who come to you with a master’s in social work take a sociology class, or a gender studies class, as part of their schooling? I know Christine graduated from Fordham.
Gosh… again… like… [chuckles] I don’t want to make generalizations about things that I’m not… I really don’t know enough about… but I would say… There are some teachings about cultural diversity for sure… but you know, again… It’s impossible… there are so many different… it’s where the learning comes in, when you’re working with patients.
What are your thoughts on seeing patients individually as part of couples therapy?
Um… again this is… um… you know, this is a discussion that I have with colleagues… it’s it’s… there is no… There’s nothing in a book that says this is the way to do it, there are lots of different schools of thought and lots of clinicians, and every clinician has their own… sort of… belief, I guess, about… and a way of practicing. So, some do and some don’t.
Christine said to me, “Some men do atrocious things to women but Nate is not one of them.” What do you think of this sentence?
You know, what I… I can only hear what you’re saying, and I understand what you’re telling me about how you experienced it and how it was… and it was painful… I hear that very clearly… I… I… again, I don’t know all the other pieces. There are so many other pieces I don’t know. I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t feel comfortable… but I absolutely hear what you’re saying, yeah.
So back to what I was saying – you only ever get the therapist’s notes, how do you know what’s going on with the patient?
Direct contact with a patient is not common, I would say, in the field. It’s… I don’t know if you’ve spoken to other people. I’ve never heard of that.
It can be in writing.
But then the boundaries get really blurred, and I need time to process and answer all of the emails. My concern with that is protecting the clinician’s space, so that the clinician can show up and be in session fully, and capable of being present, and grounded in herself, in the way that I think therapy needs to happen. I tell my patients, if you have things that you want to say let’s schedule another session, come in and we’ll talk about it.
I was thinking more like a survey. One to ten. How attentive is your therapist? How do they respect your background? How do they respect your gender? How does it feel when I’m telling you that someone in your clinic silenced me after I insinuated that I don’t feel safe with my partner? Do you think it happens often?
I… I don’t… I haven’t thought about it and I don’t… I don’t have any answer to that. What you’re telling me I’ll definitely think about it, I can learn from it moving forward. I don’t want to say anything without having the time to digest. But I’m glad you reached out, that we had time to talk.
So what should I do? The thought of her seeing people keeps me up at night.
I do hear you, a hundred percent. I hear you. How you experienced it all, and how upset you are, and I’m not sure why… I’m not sure… I’m just not sure, like, what now you… I mean, would you want her to just not be practicing? Do you think it rises to that level? What sort of resolution are you looking for?
I want to tell my story and for people to know about her abusive approach, so they can make an informed decision when they go to see her. I’m listening to you and what I’m hearing is that anyone can be a therapist and they can do whatever they want in the room and you can’t vet it. Anyone can say anything to a patient.
I don’t think I can tell you what you’re wanting to hear.
There is nothing you can say, I just want you to know this is how I feel. The therapist has so much power in the room and even if they’re under supervision there’s absolutely nothing that can be done. So if they voted for Trump and they hate immigrants then they’re going to treat their immigrant patients in a terrible way.
But there can be patients… that’s the tricky part, right? There may be patients who want a therapist whose values resonate with… they want a huge Trump supporter, you know? You need to feel safe, for sure, there needs to be some basic… but in terms of different perspectives… it’s tricky. There is something about a match, right? It needs to be a good match in terms of, umm…
When we approached City Therapy, no one asked me if I wanted to see a therapist who is a feminist, and who treats immigrants fairly, so I feel kinda dumb. It never even crossed my mind to interview her. This is something you can do. You can tell your patients, listen, we’re pairing you up with this person, make sure that they are good for you, and here are some questions you could ask them.
The tricky part is finding the right fit because everybody is sort of packaged differently and there are these places… listen, you know, where people are falling in terms of… um… polyamorous relationships, and there’s sex positivity. That whole arena really opens up, and there are lots of different ways of thinking about it, and there are therapists who hold… certain perspectives and you communicate with the patient, you know? You should feel valued and validated. That’s some social work 101. You’re never gonna be a perfect fit where everything totally aligns, and we have to really learn to work within that but also use that as an opportunity. It’s tricky, but sometimes this is when the best work happens. What we call “rupture and repair.” When there has been a rupture, then you’ve opened something up, and now you can actually deal with that, you can be looking at that together. There’s an opportunity for growth in your relationship because you’re gonna work towards better understanding.
I felt like she was not seeing my Vaginismus, and Nate felt like she wasn’t seeing his Tinnitus, and this is when it exploded. There was a rupture but no repair. I wish someone told me that I needed to see that it was a good fit. How am I supposed to know that I need to interview my therapist? I was very naive. I came in thinking, ok, this is the 21st century, the Me-Too movement has already happened. This is New York City, of course my therapist is going to be progressive, of course she’s not gonna silence me. How do you guide people who go to City Therapy to make sure that it’s a good fit?
Yeah… I mean, we do advise people to do that… and we… you know… we always say… we say… the thing is, we say give it a few sessions, to warm up to each other and sort of get a sense of how that person works. But absolutely, if it does not feel like a good fit then you should never stay. You know, I was at the bank today [laughs]… I sat there for an hour and a half, and the person helping me asked me what I did. And of course immediately he said that he wanted to do therapy, but that he went in the past and didn’t feel a connection with the therapist. And I told him that that’s the most important thing, and if you don’t feel that connection, keep looking. I tell it to family, I tell it to friends, we tell it to patients.
It’s so much harder to leave when it’s couples therapy. You don’t want the relationship to end, and I just think couples therapy is an extremely problematic field because you have two parties, and you’re pretending like you’re impartial, and if one party is abusive you’re pretending like you’re trying to bridge these gaps. Pretending like all they need is to communicate better.
It’s quite tricky.
Christine wrote that he had anger issues. She saw it, and he was aggressive toward her. She saw it, she acknowledged it, and we have evidence of it, and yet she let me stay with him and didn’t follow up. That’s in writing.
I hear how you learned a lot about the profession and how to be selective. I can’t tell you what to do but I definitely support your feelings. I appreciate the path that you’re on, I can hear how much you’re passionate about it and how important it is to you.
***
As the conversation ended and my eyes returned to the screen, I couldn’t not notice Cassandra’s email signature that consisted of a Rumi quote: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Some questions that I was left with:
1. If a patient’s perspective is never presented to a supervisor, how can therapists learn from their mistakes and grow professionally?
2. In the context of a clinic where therapists’ opinions are considered mere “perspectives” appreciated by some patients, where is the boundary, if any, drawn? Which opinions, particularly those related to race, religion, gender, disabilities, and so on, are considered unacceptable at City Therapy?
3. When working with couples at City Therapy, is there a consistent approach to mediating between the individuals, even though there are suspicions of physical or emotional abuse?
4. Can a therapist unilaterally terminate their engagement with a couple without disclosing this to their supervisor, other than in writing? 5. What is City Therapy’s policy regarding follow-ups with clients who are suspected to be in a dangerous situation? Is the decision entirely up to the clinician, or can a supervisor instruct them to follow up?
I just want to go back and hug that 27-year-old. Tell her that therapists are not gods. They are incredibly flawed people with a set of problems of their own. Many of them go into the profession because of all their issues, thinking they can live vicariously through others and fix them. Thinking they can heal themselves this way. But they are far from being healed. No matter how much schooling they do, they will only ever judge a situation based on their subjective life experience. Very much like what most regular humans do, only without the pretentious title of a healer. If a therapist is a men-centered woman, how can she help you? If a therapist’s husband is diminishing her, how can she ever recognize that yours is doing the same? To her, this is just a part of being a woman, nothing out of the ordinary. It’s not your fault, little one. There will come a day when you will be able to tell your story. Your narrative. You will scream it from the top of your lungs on a Brooklyn rooftop. That day is today.
-Martha