I was 12 years old, when I first entered the system. Hospitalization for suicidal ideation caused by bullying and social stigma. I was completely ready and willing to receive help. I had high hopes from all the positive things I’d heard before, but didn’t know what to expect.
They diagnosed me with autism, major depressive disorder, and psychosis. My psychiatrist prescribed four pills to take during the day and three more at night, a mix of antipsychotics, SSRIs, and SNRIs. My parents weren’t involved in the decision. I saw a psychologist once; she seemed taken aback when I said that art therapy didn’t help.
I’m no longer diagnosed with psychosis, so now I can see that many instances I described as bullying were dismissed as hallucinations. I was told “it’s not real” over and over again. My depression wasn’t treated, and no one helped me understand my autism.
One day, I came to an appointment visibly tired, with my hair undone. I’m a Black woman with thick, coily hair. I was going to get new braids right after. She decided I needed to be hospitalized, or she’d call an ambulance, with no suicide or safety assessment.
The psychiatrist on the unit was the same man from my first hospitalization, the one who gave me seven pills when I was 12. This time, I stayed for a week. I wore scrubs the entire time. The psychiatrist and psychologist laughed while I was crying during a meeting. I wasn’t allowed to rest in my room while others could. I cried every day.
Last year, when I was 18, I was hospitalized for the fourth and last time after a suicide attempt. I stayed for four days. No one cared if I ate and I didn’t receive real medical attention before being discharged with new diagnoses I didn’t understand.
The last professional I saw encapsulated everything wrong with this system. She invalidated my worries, didn’t listen when I said a method hadn’t worked before, got frustrated when it failed again, and blamed me when I stopped trusting her. That was the last time I interacted with the mental health system. And I hope it stays that way.
-AJ