He fired me abruptly after fourteen months because, as he said, “I seduced you, and then you seduced me. It got pretty hot. If I could give you that relationship, I would.” He did not analyze. He did not provide guidance. He did not assist me in developing coping mechanisms. The only “therapy” was to talk to him, then go home and fantasize about talking to him or entertain fantasies of him while narratively facing the internal image of him.
The result was that, after many months of this under his direction, I felt out of control of my own mind, unable to sit alone with myself internally, interrogating every passing thought toward him for motive, meaning, and factual basis. While I couldn’t get my internal voice out of the room with him, determining the historical validity of anything that came up seemed impossible. His innuendos, his encouragement of me dressing provocatively for session, and the moments when he flirted with me are embedded in my mind.
Once, I said, “I feel that a part of me is trying to get you to break the professional boundary and start a relationship.” He asked if I wanted that and looked surprised and hurt when I said no.
He was my first therapist. I did not understand the reach of so-called psychodynamic attachment-based therapy when I started it; I did not consent to his domination of my internal world. It’s been over a year, and I’m still recovering from his “treatment.”
– Adrienne